The Legroom Ultimatum ===================== A comedy of errors, based on a true story! FADE IN: INT. ODEON CINEMA - GEORGE STREET - OXFORD RACHEL, ANDRZEJ and WILL enter SCREEN ONE. They are all MODERATELY TALL. There are some WEIRD CHAIRS in the front few rows that look more comfortable than the NORMAL CHAIRS in the rest of the cinema. An ODEON USHER is talking to some PEOPLE sitting in the WEIRD CHAIRS and gesticulating wildly with a TORCH. RACHEL Since when are there two different types of chair in a cinema? ANDRZEJ I hope the normal chairs aren't any smaller than they used to be. They move close enough to hear what the USHER is saying. USHER You can't sit in these chairs. They cost more money. You have to sit in the tiny chairs up there. PEOPLE Okay! ODEON USHER Now you have tried them and know how much more comfortable they are, perhaps you should allow yourself to be ripped off next time you come here! Thanks for flying Odeon airlines! RACHEL, ANDRZEJ and WILL locate their NORMAL CHAIRS; RACHEL and ANDRZEJ sit down. ANDRZEJ I'm sure these seats have less leg room than they used to. WILL I don't see how they can be --- it's not as if the steps of the cinema can be moved. He sits down. WILL Huh. I can't actually fit my legs in front of me. I'll have to open my legs in a potentially compromising fashion to avoid damage to my left kneecap. He opens his LEGS in a potentially compromising fashion. RACHEL The woman in front of me is resting her head on my knee. The WOMAN IN FRONT moves her head slightly to find a more comfortable position atop RACHEL's KNEE. Her SKIN comes into view. It has a TERRIFYING ORANGE HUE. RACHEL The woman in front of me has terrifying orange skin! The LIGHTS go down, and FOOTAGE starts to play on the SCREEN. The FOOTAGE appears to be a TRAILER for the forthcoming Disney-Pixar animated film RATATOUILLE (RAT-A-TOO-EE). RACHEL This film looks wonderful! Perhaps we should see it when it comes out! In a cinema, no less! However, the FOOTAGE suddenly mutates into some kind of ANTI-"PIRACY" PROPAGANDA FILM. WILL It's Talk Like A Pirate Day. How appropriate. It is indeed TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY (19TH SEPTEMBER). The PROPAGANDA shows some footage of the PICTURE from a copied DVD being ridiculously fuzzy. ANDRZEJ Uhm. All the media I've ever seen that's been fetched from the "internet" has been DVD quality. Probably ripped from a screener. Where do these guys get their illicit films? THE RAT FROM RATATOUILLE (RAT-A-TOO-EE), WHO PRESUMABLY HAS A NAME (WHICH IS SADLY UNKNOWN BY THIS AUTHOR) But why would you steal the film when you could have The Real Thing(TM) at a cinema? RACHEL Presumably because the cinema is cold, and there's no leg room. At home we have sofas and heating and hot drinks, and random women don't use my knees as head rests. ANDRZEJ Well, we could pay even more money than we have already paid to sit in some comfortable chairs down there which don't compress our legs like some mediaeval torture machine. RACHEL Or maybe we could go to a cheaper cinema with more comfortable seats next time. WILL Why do these anti-"piracy" features always go on about how bad the quality of copied films is? It's not. We don't go to the cinema for the quality of the footage, because it's no better. RACHEL The cinema is meant to be more fun. You get people laughing, and a crowd reaction. WILL We paid to see this film in a cinema. Why are we being harassed and patronised about "stealing" films? RACHEL Because we be scurvy pirates! WILL Yarr! ANDRZEJ Hey, guys! I have a revolutionary idea! Why not make cinemas a more attractive idea than downloading films off the internet by making the cinema experience as comfortable and enjoyable as possible? RUN, FATBOY, RUN comes on. The AUDIENCE watches it. It is RELATIVELY GOOD. EXT. OUTSIDE ODEON CINEMA RACHEL Well, I'm not going to go there again. Let's go to the Phoenix Picturehouse instead: they actually have heating and there is enough leg room and the chairs are comfortable without you having to pay extra and the tickets are cheaper anyway. *gasp* FADE OUT.